Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
