Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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