I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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