Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she peed on how many people?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
