The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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