Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Found your dick twin last night
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
