By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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