On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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