Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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