She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
