The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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