im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
