Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
