This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
