I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
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he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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