For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
