Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
