Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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