WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
