i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
