I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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