i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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