you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?