Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat