I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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