as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
