Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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