The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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