my phone needs a breathalizer
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
