I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
