At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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