i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
