there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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