I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize