do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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