i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
