Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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