So drunk its hurt
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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