I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
