awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You smell like stripper and shame
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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