I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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