I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I lost the right to judge tonight
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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