I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
