You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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