if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
