I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
