I'm lost and stupid without you.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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