Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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