i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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