I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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