my cup is half full, half full of rum.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You ruined the universe
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
