i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
