In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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