How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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