I accidentally had phone sex last night
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
